Connect with us

Movies

Uwe Boll Finally Admits He’s the Worst

When it comes to Germany’s least accomplished director, the only thing that people hate more than his movies is Uwe Boll himself. He’s been churning out awful movies for years, yet somehow, the highlights of his career include films like House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark and three goddamn BloodRayne films. If you’re wondering just how in the hell BloodRayne managed to get two sequels, it has everything to do with Uwe Boll.

The most impressive thing about Boll’s career is how adamantly he’s defended it. He even invited critics who weren’t fans of his films to engage in a few rounds of fisticuffs with him. He’s obviously an intelligent guy. An idiot wouldn’t have known to hide their inability to construct coherent thoughts with the threat of imminent violence. That’s something a jackass would do, but not an idiot.

I had been wanting to sit down and chat with the director since he first started ruining good horror franchises, my only hesitation was my deep lack of respect and admiration I have for Boll’s work. Curiosity eventually got the best of me, so I went about summoning him by speaking his name five times into a dirty bathroom mirror to get some answers.

“Slater’s a big star and he’s been in the business a long time. He’s always in a good mood and easygoing but he takes his character very seriously,” Boll explained after the fissure that summoned him had finally closed, muffling the screams of countless tormented souls.

Looking into his dead eyes, I knew I’d have to draw upon my 36 years of hard-hitting, investigative journalism. I swished my hair to let him know I meant business, than I met his gaze and asked my first question.

“Sup, Boll?”

He looked at me like a child who had just been given approval to stay up an hour past their bedtime, then he added, “I think the Matrix effect is over-used and I don’t do it anymore.” He paused for a few moments after that to give me time to let that thought simmer before he continued, saying “Interview with a Vampire was lots of sex, so I’m not sure.”

I started wondering whether I should take out the Boll removal spray I had purchased because it was on sale at Walmart or wait for him to give me something useful when Boll finally broke. “Who am I kidding? I am so fucking bad at this.”

I was so distracted by his Interview with a Vampire comment and if it meant I should suggest he watch the first four seasons of True Blood — I wouldn’t wish the other three on my worst enemies, not even Uwe Boll — so it took me a few beats to register his sudden admission.

“I’m terrible at this. Unless you count Sandalen porn, I’ve never even seen a movie.” he then turned to a corner of the room where he must’ve thought I was hiding a camera to say “If you’re a fan of one of the games I’ve ruined, I’m so sorry for being such a talentless, narcissistic dickhead.”

I had my answer, so I sprayed Boll directly in the eyes, yelled “VETAI GLEI KISTARRH ME’LAH!” and watched as he melted into nothingness.

YTSub

41 Comments
  • Phendranah

    Yes, this definitely happened Adam 😛

    • I would never lie to you. Not EVER. Fib, maybe, but lie? No sir, no way.

      • Phendranah

        Ohh excellent. This one time I summoned Paul S Anderson and I told him exactly what I think of what he has done to Resident Evil 😛 haha

  • JugsEater

    Can i use that spray on his films too..? To erase every trace of Uwe Boll from them…?

  • Ivo Wilson

    HAhaha i love you Adam.

  • Andrew Fatica

    I don’t know how to feel about this article. It’s two parts ignorant and one part funny. A mesmerizing combination.

    • Next year, I’ll try my best to aim for two parts funny and one part ignorance.

      • GunsOfNavarone

        Lmao

      • Andrew Fatica

        Jokes on me I just realized what today was. Regardless I wasn’t trying to be an asshole. It was legitimately hilarious.

  • roger dumpet

    This is so fake… Walmart never puts Boll removal spray on sale…

    • James Allard

      Boll removal spray. A desperately needed commodity if ever such a thing should exist…

      • Guest

        After getting fired from my previous job more than half year ago, i’ve been lucky to find this amazing website that saved me… Offering well paid online work from home. My last paycheck after working for them for 3 months was $12000… Great thing about is that only requirement for the job is basic typing skills and connection to the internet…

        -> Check it out <-

      • Guest

        agree!!!

  • Harley Mitchel Dirk

    Searching meme database for possible response….

    Processing….

    File Found

    • Phendranah

      Amazing. My favorite Arnie movie evar

      • SuperKilla

        Fa show. “I’ll be back Bennett “

  • James Allard

    Oh… you said that man’s name. Surely the fires of Hell await you now…
    In honor of today, I would like to defend the movie Postal. It is Boll, and thus disgusting but you do get to watch Dave Foley excrete solid body waste and then stand with his dangle exposed. So there is that.

    • I will freely admit that the two movies I keep seeing get defended here are Postal and Rampage, and I haven’t watched either all the way through. My distaste for this guy mostly stems from his working on Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne 1-3, House of the Dead, Far Cry, In the Name of the King, etc.

      • SuperKilla

        House of the Dead is one of the most well executed films every put on screen.

      • Andrew Barloq

        Rampage was quite good, although I can’t say I liked Postal in the slightest (in fact, I think it was one of his worst, although I will admit that he executed it about as well as he intended to – it just wasn’t my cup of tea at all).

  • GunsOfNavarone

    Adam – when you picked up the Boll removal spray, did you happen to see any Megaton removal spray ?

    • I only saw Michael Bay Spray, some math equations you can put on your door to scare away stray Kardashians and a torn George Bush mask. Sorry!

  • SuperKilla

    April Fools Day!

    • Shhh, no one is onto me yet! Don’t ruin it! 🙂

      • SuperKilla

        Sorry it took me a few minutes to type back. I was just finishing up my Raging Boll documentary.

  • hoorayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. The funny thing about UB is that he managed to convince a good cast on Bloodrayne and in the name of the king to join his film. To this day, will never understand why

    • ChinoX813

      I wouldn’t say he “Convinced” them so much as he paid them a lot of money. I heard an interview with the guy who wrote the screenplay for “House of the Dead” on a podcast once and he said most of this guys movies have had pretty healthy budgets.

  • Weresmurf

    Hey Adam, what’s the difference between you and me? I actually got him to admit he makes bad movies for real in an interview 😛 lol

  • whisper13

    April Fool’s be damned the only unbelievable part of this was him actually admitting he sucks. Oh, and the spray. Walmart stopped carrying years ago. Gotta get it at the dollar store.

  • andy urzua

    🙂

  • Delores Bateman

    ““Slater’s a big star and he’s been in the business a long time. He’s always in a good mood and easygoing but he takes his character very seriously,” Boll explained after the fissure that summoned him had finally closed, muffling the screams of countless tormented souls.”

    Hahahaha this was a great visual.

  • xdarkxperceptionx

    House of the dead funny version was atleast okayish…he admittted how crap his movies are in the opening sequence

  • Brodequin

    How the hell he convinced Statham, Sobieski, Perlman, Liota, Rhys-Davies and Reynolds to play in his supercrap “In the Name of the King” is one of bigest mysteries in film history 🙂

  • Chrissie-Watkins

    BUT- I thought this was real, and he was finally vanquished! Disappointed, SMH

  • Glitter Outlaw

    AS long as theres Micheal Bay, hell never be the Worst.

  • Paul Hennen

    Since it was an April Fools, PLEASE UWE BOLL DO A BLOODRAYNE 4 FILM SET IN MODERN TIMES! With a highlander influence of her feeling how it is to “live forever” and the vampires controlling the mob! That would be so awesome! And then do 5 with laser guns and futuristic problems with the shroud having to be taken down for good, and then ending the franchise with 5.

  • Natalie Elizabeth Boll

    I may be biased because Uwe is my husband and I am his biggest supporter! Check out the interview I did with Uwe for the Kickstarter campaign. https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2063316815/rampage-3-no-mercy?ref=hero_thanks

Advertisement
Advertisement

More in Movies