When it comes to Germany’s least accomplished director, the only thing that people hate more than his movies is Uwe Boll himself. He’s been churning out awful movies for years, yet somehow, the highlights of his career include films like House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark and three goddamn BloodRayne films. If you’re wondering just how in the hell BloodRayne managed to get two sequels, it has everything to do with Uwe Boll.
The most impressive thing about Boll’s career is how adamantly he’s defended it. He even invited critics who weren’t fans of his films to engage in a few rounds of fisticuffs with him. He’s obviously an intelligent guy. An idiot wouldn’t have known to hide their inability to construct coherent thoughts with the threat of imminent violence. That’s something a jackass would do, but not an idiot.
I had been wanting to sit down and chat with the director since he first started ruining good horror franchises, my only hesitation was my deep lack of respect and admiration I have for Boll’s work. Curiosity eventually got the best of me, so I went about summoning him by speaking his name five times into a dirty bathroom mirror to get some answers.
“Slater’s a big star and he’s been in the business a long time. He’s always in a good mood and easygoing but he takes his character very seriously,” Boll explained after the fissure that summoned him had finally closed, muffling the screams of countless tormented souls.
Looking into his dead eyes, I knew I’d have to draw upon my 36 years of hard-hitting, investigative journalism. I swished my hair to let him know I meant business, than I met his gaze and asked my first question.
He looked at me like a child who had just been given approval to stay up an hour past their bedtime, then he added, “I think the Matrix effect is over-used and I don’t do it anymore.” He paused for a few moments after that to give me time to let that thought simmer before he continued, saying “Interview with a Vampire was lots of sex, so I’m not sure.”
I started wondering whether I should take out the Boll removal spray I had purchased because it was on sale at Walmart or wait for him to give me something useful when Boll finally broke. “Who am I kidding? I am so fucking bad at this.”
I was so distracted by his Interview with a Vampire comment and if it meant I should suggest he watch the first four seasons of True Blood — I wouldn’t wish the other three on my worst enemies, not even Uwe Boll — so it took me a few beats to register his sudden admission.
“I’m terrible at this. Unless you count Sandalen porn, I’ve never even seen a movie.” he then turned to a corner of the room where he must’ve thought I was hiding a camera to say “If you’re a fan of one of the games I’ve ruined, I’m so sorry for being such a talentless, narcissistic dickhead.”
I had my answer, so I sprayed Boll directly in the eyes, yelled “VETAI GLEI KISTARRH ME’LAH!” and watched as he melted into nothingness.
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